cómo engrupir a una gringa

jejeje.

So I was alerted by one of my readers that while I listed how to alienate AND win over Chileans, I only listed how to alienate a gringo and not how to win one over. My reader further expressed that he wasn't interested in how to win over gringos, but would actually like some advice on cómo engrupir a una gringa. Así ha nacido este post.

So here goes:

First, what not to do: NO HAGAS ESTO
1) plis porfavor, por el amor de dios, no seas ese weon latero, mata-onda que se acerca a la gringa en la fiesta (o donde sea) y empieza a pelar a Chile y decir que vale callampa. Weon, no vay a llegar a ningún lado. A lo más la gringuita, te va a escuchar tu opinión, decir, "perrrou a mii me guste Chiile. Pourrr qué nou te guusta?" Después le vay a dejar chata, y hará todo lo posible para no hablar más con vos, pero sin mandarte a la cresta, cosa que las gringas encuentran demasiado fuerte. La verdad es que no son tantos los weones que haga esto, pero lamentablemente, las gringas somos una suerte de imán para este weón latero. Ugh. Seguramente porque no le mandamos a la mierda al tiro y le soportamos mucho más de lo que debemos. Gringas, si encuentran a este weón, digale que en realidad tiene toda la razón, que Chile vale callampa, que te vay de acá luego, y anda a hablar con alguien que valga la pena.

Ahora unos consejos de qué hacer:

1) Be authentic. Sé auténtico.
2) Hazle reir!! ;)
3) Averigua lo que le gusta, y invítale a pasear.

(Personalmente, después de vivir 6 meses en Chile, había conocido una cachada de gente carreteando. Es una buena manera para conocer gente, pero la verdad es que me empezaba a preguntar si los chilenos hacen algo a parte de carretear. (Ahora sé que sí.) Aunque es entretenido, el carrete me tenía chata, y un pelín acolica.) Lo único que quería era que me invitaran (hombre o mujer) a andar en bicicleta, ir a la playa, hacer trekking en el cerro la campana, tomar un cafecito, surfear, nadar, la wea que fuera!!!

4) Si quedas con la chiquilla, trata de llegar a la hora y no la tiras para la cola.

5) Escúchala. Anímate para otro tipo de conversación más analítica y seria, pero tambien webéala un poco en buena onda como cualquier chileno de corazón!!

6) Trata de decir lo que realmente piensas, sin tanto susto de caer mal por contradecir lo que ella dice. Quizas a diferencia del chileno promedio?, somos buenas para analizar nuestros pensamientos y compararlos con pensamientos distintos. Encontramos interesante cuando alguien tiene otro punto de vista, y puede explicar porqué piensa así, a pesar de que esa persona cree algo totalmente distinto a lo que creemos nosotras. Conversaciones interesantes extenderán el tiempo que ella quiere estar contigo y creerán un interés para juntarse contigo de nuevo.

7) Corrige su español, please!!!! Los essspañoles de essspaña son secos para corregirnos, no sé porque los chilenos no lo hacen tambien :( A lo mejor para no caer mal? Puess, tío, ess la osstia que te corrigen el esspañol.

Bueno, esos son algunos consejos para empezar. Seguiré pensando en el tema a ver qué más se me ocurre decir.

En fin, les dejo con unas palabras sabias de calle 13, Atrevetetetetetete! ;)

Ah, y evita de webear a las casadas. Por lo general no estamos ni allí con cagar a nuestros esposos!!! ;)

How to alienate a gring@.

Following Abeja's lead, I'm going to make a list of a few things that alienate a gring@- of the American variety. I'm sure there are plenty, but here's a small list that came to my mind:

1) Walk slowly on the sidewalks. Gringos always complain about Chileans walking slow and blocking their way. I find it annoying sometimes (when I'm in a hurry), but I'm a pretty slow walker, so I'm probably one of the people who other gringos find annoying ;)

2) Charge gringos "the gring@ price." Especially if they've lived in Chile for a while.

3) Provide HORRIBLE customer service. If the gring@ complains, tell them to go somewhere else to buy what they need. hehehehe

4) Make racist or classist remarks.

5) Be unfriendly.

6) Misunderstand them or make it clear you didn't listen to them when you respond to what they've said. -- Like for example, when a gringa/o lets you know they are vegetarian and that they don't eat red meat, chicken, turkey, fish, or any type of animal cadaver, offer them the vegetarian plate, chicken with rice. ;)

7) Tirales pa' la cola. Make plans with them and then don't arrive. Actually this one alienates lots of punctual Chileans too.

Those are a few ideas that came to my mind offhand. There are plenty more.

How to alienate/win over a Chilean

I must say, you guys had some hilarious comments on how to alienate Chileans. Sooooo true. First, a few ways to alienate a Chilean:

• Tell them you're vegan or vegetarian, hopefully at a barbecue.
• When you want them to pass you the bottle of Coke, ask them to pass you the azúcar con agua, color caramelo (the caramel-colored watery sugar.)
• Tell them you don't really like tennis, and that Massu and Gonzalez aren't that good anyway.
• When you go out with your friends, instead of ordering a beer or a pisco sour, order mineral water. All night.

Now several ways to win them over:

• Tell them you love Chile and speak positively about their country. Obviously! hehehe
• Use lots of chilenismos. I LOVE language, and eat up new expressions. (I've taken a six-month break from my Chilenis blog, though I've started again-sort of.) I don't know that there's anything more flattering and humorous for Chileans than to see their culture spread to foreigners. Instead of "Esta wea es para el pico" "Ehsta whea ehs paa el piicou". Oh, and if you really want to blow them away, teach them a chilenismo they don't know. I find the word "lumami" is a bit uncommon here. Some, but not all, Chileans know it.
• Ask your suegra (or other Chilean friends who like to cook) for their recipes, onda porotos grandos, pastel de choclo, pescado al vapor, etc. Talk about cooking with older Chilean women, and let them know how the recipes they gave you worked out.
• If speaking with a chileno "culto" (~highbrow), mention the poets Vicente Huidobro, Pablo de Rokha, Gabriela Mistral's prose (vs her poetry), the movie Tony Manero, etc. They'll be surprised you didn't choose to talk about Pablo Neruda. Or tell them about a Chilean literary figure that they've never heard about like Teresa Wilms Montt.
• With some types of Chilean women, who tend to ignore you on purpose, ignore back. It really irks them and makes them interested in you. Obviously, if they are ignoring you on purpose, they probably will never be a fun friend to have. Fun Chileans usually don't ignore you, and may be interested in what you are like, since you're a foreigner.
• Converse as they do, focusing as much on the speaker as on the topic of conversation. Be sure to tease (webear) the speaker as much as possible.

Other posts on "how to alienate a Chilean":
Don't call me gringa
Cachando Chile
Annje
La Gringuita Diaries
NY Gringa Expat
Abby's Line